Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

I have spent a lot of time and energy learning that life isn't about what I do, but it's more about who I am and who I choose to be. In fact, it's ALL about that. And I've learned that all we're really here for is to love. To be love and joy and to let it shine through us is more than enough for any lifetime. At least that's what I've learned. Today, though, I am very present to people who are suffering, and people for whom I really don't know what to do. The thought in my head is "just love them," and I guess that is all I can do. But in this moment, love does not feel like enough.

Authenticity

Authenticity is something I feel like I've always been chasing and never quite figured out. For me it's about being exactly who I am, with no fear of what the consequences or judgments might be, and it usually seems to include pure joy. In the past, there have been little snapshots of time when I've known I'm aligned and truly authentic and I just know because I know. These moments usually involve either traveling (especially to new places), being with my nephews, or spending time with youth and mentors from Phoenix Youth at Risk. These experiences used to be few and far between, but even then I realized that they were my touchstones, my access, to what I wanted to create in my life. So when everything else seemed out of place or downright horrible, I would use those little pieces of my life that remained joyous to figure out what it was that I wanted.

The lawyer thing, on the other hand, is something that has NOT worked for me in terms of authenticity. Sooooo....not surprisingly, ever since a few days ago when I declared that I am no longer regularly taking new cases or practicing full time as a lawyer, my life seems to suddenly be flooded with authenticity and I am loving it! And the more I practice it, the more I'm addicted to it--when I start experiencing what it is to be authentic, it becomes less and less desirable for me to show up as anything else--why would I????? This is new for me, but very exciting.

It is no coincidence that I just completed a trial and ended my formal legal career on a high note. My Youth at Risk peeps came and watched and supported me with texts and phone calls, which was so cool. And now I'm heading off to Honduras, where I've never been before, to see my amazing family and play in the rainforests and on the beaches with my nephews. This is quite possibly the most authentic week of my adult life, and the universe keeps giving me more. This is cool. I highly recommend it. :)

With Pelican Gone, Will There Be Hope For Man?

I have to write about this BP oil spill. It has been tugging at my heart a lot lately. I feel paralyzed when I see the pictures of the wildlife covered in oil. It's strange, because I'm not generally an over-the-top animal lover, but this just seems beyond criminal. Here are these birds and turtles and dolphins who were just minding their own business swimming through the water being awesome, not bothering anyone, and THIS is what happens to them. And it was preventable.

I've been thinking a lot about what I can do. I mean, I've boycotted bp to the extent I know where their products are, which isn't saying a lot, because I don't think we have a lot of their oil in Arizona. And I post info on my facebook page to raise awareness, and I frequently share my opinion. But all I'm really doing is putting more negative energy out into the universe. It's really easy for me to look at what everyone else did wrong--and believe me, I'm not interested in ANY mercy for the corporate execs and government officials who got us here--but that lets me off the hook pretty easily and really just perpetuates the blame game. So what else can I do? I can take a look at my own dependence on oil, but (a) that seems really, really insignificant in the grand scheme of things and (b) although I am conscious of my carbon footprint and continue to reduce it, I am also very clear that I'm not willing to end my dependence on oil and I'm not sure that's 100% bad--the things we are are able to do and accomplish in this day and age, including covering lots of distance and seeing the world, are pretty amazing and I'm not willing to give that up. So where does that leave me? It seems too big to tackle, yet I can't get the images of those animals out of my mind.

I find myself thinking back to the Holocaust. And let me be very clear: NO, I am not comparing pelicans to humans. But I might be comparing parts of our government and corporations to Nazi Germany. So what could have made things different during the Holocaust? And what DID make things different? I think the people who really made a difference, really saved lives, and contributed to the tragedy not lasting any longer than it did, were the ones who didn't buy in to the propaganda. Hitler's propaganda started at least as early as the 1920's, and the rise of the Third Reich and the idea of a master race was gradual. I think most people who were not his targets went along with it. Gradually. That's generally what we people do. There were some, though, who didn't. They hid Jews in their homes and risked and even gave their own lives, because they could see the insanity of what was being propagated and they didn't buy in. The same can be said for most if not all human rights disasters throughout history. During the United States' slavery era, slavery was accepted. Most people, southern white people at least, bought in to the idea that slaves were property because that's the way it was. But some didn't. There were people who, from the very beginning, did not buy in. They recognized the insanity of it and they weren't afraid to say so. Some died because they refused to buy in to the lies. Those people didn't stop slavery. Many of their names will never be known. But I believe they made a difference--a big difference. They saved lives. They prevented suffering. They eventually became the majority, so it was no longer popular to buy in to the suffering created by slavery and racism. That's a huge shift.

So I'm starting to look at the lie I've bought into. Our culture, our society, our values are largely based on propaganda. I shudder to think how deep it runs--I may never get to the bottom of it. I can, however, start to identify it and stop, or at least minimize, my buy-in. For the record, I think reading Ishmael by Daniel Quinn (to which I owe the title of this post) is a good place to start. I don't buy in to the fact that working a 40+ hour week makes you a good person or a hard worker or valuable. I don't buy that Americans, or even Westerners, are a superior people. No, no one says it out loud, but it's THERE. You know what, I don't even buy that humans are a superior species. Try that one on. I don't buy in to the subtle message out there that the world is ours to exploit as we damn well please, and that our value is based upon how much we can conquer and attain. I'm going to keep looking at what I'm buying into. I'm scared to find out. But I'm more scared not to.

Action

Two days ago, I decided to jump. I have been a lawyer for over ten years and I am done. I will finish the cases I have and will perhaps take a case or two in the future if they really inspire me, but I am otherwise done. I have virtually no money saved and I have almost no idea what's next. It's either completely crazy or utter genius--time will tell. I've been practicing trust and faith and I am really surprised to find that in most moments I really do know that the universe will work perfectly and my life is going to explode in beautiful ways. In other moments, I panic. But it wouldn't be a risk or a stretch if I didn't panic a little.

I decided to see what the universe provides and, as I was reading Fernando's blog, Amazing Creation, I realized how much I enjoy it and how much I would like a forum to write down my thoughts from time to time. Voila! Universe Nudge #1! So, in the spirit of taking action--any action--here's my first official blog post. Thanks, Fernando, for the inspiration. There's so much more to come!